Sixteen.

16.
I wonder what this age holds.

Life Is (Actually) Good.

It's been.. over 8 months since I posted.
A lot has changed.
I don't live in Alabama anymore. I barely even talk to anyone from there now.
I live in North Carolina. I go to Enka High School. There is no such thing as routine in my life. I'm not depressed, for the most part. (Thanks to 3 months of 25mg of Zoloft.) I have a boyfriend. His name is Garrett. He's a junior, he's a geek, he's wonderful (Remember a while back when I said you wanna date someone no one ever expects you to? It worked out). 
Things are going well, I guess I could say. 
Last year, at Grissom, I almost failed. I barely got by all year. Now, I've been at Enka for a month, and I have mostly all A's. Then again, I also only have 4 classes this semester. 
I've made so many new friends. And I'm nothing like I used to be.
I'm dying my hair brown (and blue), I dress country (I own camo shoes and cowboy boots), and I always do my work in class.
My boyfriend is the best thing since.. Well, not sliced bread, because I don't like bread. But he's wonderful. We've only been together since September 21st, but I know we have a long road ahead of us. Half of our text conversations literally consist of- Him: <3 Me: <33 Him: <333.
Yeah. 
I don't know.. I miss my Rocket City. I miss my old friends.
But for once in my life, I can finally say Life Is Good.
(However, Tuesdays still suck.)

I'm baaack.

So, I'm back.

And I finally got that drama-free week I wanted.

And now, hopefully, things will look up. Because once you hit rock-bottom.. You can't go much further, right? Right. Or at least, I hope I'm right.

Well, I spent this past week with my mom. I met a lot of people, and did I a lot of things.

As soon as I came back Saturday, I went to my boyfriend's house and spent the whole weekend with him. It was amazing. New every-weekend plans? I think yes. <3

Well. As for school.. As far as I can tell.. I have a crap-ton of make-up work that I'll have to (but not want to) do. I have all the friends a girl could need. I have someone who'll let me steal his jacket everyday, and just pull another one out of his backpack for himself (I swear, I'm gonna be tired of standing one day, and he'll reach into his backpack and pull out a chair). I have a potentially good 4 months ahead of me. And hopefully, I'll finish out the school year strong.. 

If I can survive this week. 

Bye, "Best Friend".

You know, maybe Ben was right. Maybe I am too much drama.



I guess I spoke too soon when I said I figured out who my true friends were.


I hope you're happy.


See you on the flip side.

I Write Because..

I write because I love it.

I write because I have words on my mind that I don't want to forget.

I write to get things off my mind..

I write because it helps myself and sometimes, it helps others.

And I write because I want to.

But lately.. I've just been writing to write.

That's not who I am..

I haven't been writing because I want to.. Not to remember things, either. I haven't been writing to help myself(or others), and I haven't been writing to get things off my mind.

I go my blog, and I feel like writing. So I sit here, and I think so hard, with my fingers poised over the keyboard.. But nothing comes to mind.

And honestly, my writing isn't quality. And I find it basically impossible to write anything "good" without someone (usually my English teacher) telling me what to write about.

But it's how I feel.. It's the things floating around in my mind. The things I think about most. What bothers me, what I have an actual opinion on.

Everyday, and every blog post, is just another day and another post further and further into the life and the mind of myself.. A non average teenager..

I guess that's why I call it that.

A Day In the Life (and Mind) of a Non-Average Teenager.

Sadness.

There comes a time a girls life where, no matter how much a couple people try to help, all the other people putting her down win. Where evil outweighs the good. 

She goes through her whole life, getting called ugly, fat, stupid, a freak, a bitch, a whore, a slut, worthless, a loser, annoying, a dumbass, a brat, etc, etc, etc.. It kinda starts to get to her after a while. And after about 13 years of it, she believes it. 

Sure, she'll joke around with you, agreeing with some small stuff, but after more people start openly calling her stuff, all she can do is fake a smile, force a laugh, and wonder how long they've been saying stuff behind her back. 

After a while, she'll start wanting to hurt herself. And after it keeps happening, she will hurt herself. A couple friends will make her promise to stop, but she doesn't believe in promises, so she does it anyway. She sinks down farther and farther into the deep, dark, black hole that is Depression. And finally, she can describe herself with the one adjective she had hoped she'd never call herself.. Suicidal. She believes everyone will move on without her, everyone would be happier anyway, right? And, sadly, that's when people start to care. Everyone tries to make her happy, everyone that "cares" tries to help. They say everyone would miss her, they don't know what they would do without her here. 

Fast forward to 15. She's never happy. It doesn't matter what happens, who says what, anything. She can never be happy for more than a day. She hurts herself less, and the most recent scars are almost faded to the point where she doesn't have to worry. At this point, she doesn't care. A couple days ago, a person who was supposed to be her best friend of almost 3 years called her a slutty-ass bitch.. Told her she hopes she "fucking dies." She has barely more than 10 friends at her school. She feels worthless. She believes everything everyone says.. At least, all the negative things. Sure, tell her she's pretty and she'll thank you, maybe it'll put a little smile on her face. Tell her she's beautiful and she'll laugh in your face. Her? Beautiful? Yeah, right. She's let more people see her at her weakest point than she wishes she had. More times than not, she wonders if her friends even actually like her.. Sometimes she just feels like a burden. 

That's why she wanted to move during Winter Break.. It's the closest thing to dying, that wouldn't cause an actual "tragedy." At least it'd take the burden off everyone's shoulders here, they wouldn't have to worry about her anymore.. Maybe she could start off fresh, and maybe, just maybe, people would like her there. Maybe things would be different.. But probably not. You don't become more likable just by changing schools. But I guess she'll never know.

Maybe someday she'll be happy.. But not today.

Thanks.

I can't even begin to explain the happiness that yesterday and today have caused me.
Yesterday, I got to hang out with Ben..And that was just amazing.
And now I'm dating him.. Which is even better. <3
I can't even begin to describe how happy I am.
And I have to give most of the thanks, to one person.
Jamie.
She's my best friend, my wifey, my ex girlfriend, my sister, my step daughter, my sanity. She's helped me through SO much.. I don't even know how to make it up to her. She's one of the only things that keep me sane(Even though I think I'm just a bit past the saving point). She's been there since we starting talking in September, and she's been supportive the whole way through. At least.. Supportive about the things she thinks are good for me.
And even though she was doubtful about me and Ben at the beginning, she stuck with me, and got him to actually give me a chance. And she's been through hard times, too. And I haven't been there for her NEARLY enough as I should be, but she loves me anyway. Plus she makes awesome bracelets. So I owe her (And the rest of our circle, Aka, Ben<3, Brittney, Emily, and Jayme. (And out of our circle, Lauren, Liz, Beka, All of my other friends, and all my dumbass exes)), for where I am and who I am today.
And I couldn't be happier. I love you guys. <3