I just can't..

Sometimes you want to scream at everyone. Sometimes you want to take a risk, date someone nobody ever expected you to. Sometimes you want to die. Sometimes your life turns to shit and you want to run away and go to Brewer and never deal with anyone at GHS ever again in your whole fucking life… Sometimes, that “Sometimes” is today.

I can’t handle it anymore. I can’t stand being around all these people. They all hurt me. I sound like a depressed, dramatic, little bitch, but it’s true. No one helps me anymore. No one tries to. If they really wanted to, they wouldn’t stop “trying” to after I said “Whatever.” If they really wanted to, they’d do everything in their power to make me listen and help myself.

I’m not happy. I’m never happy, not truly happy at least. I always want to cry, and I never want to smile. Yes, you can control some things in your life, but not everything. And sometimes, you lose hope in so much, that you really just stop caring. You stop trying, because there’s nothing that can help. Whenever I am happy, on the off chance, something, something fucking ruins it. I can’t stay happy for more than a couple hours, because it gets ruined, no matter what I do. And I can’t help that.

I can’t do this anymore. Everyone “understands.” Everyone “tries” to help. Everyone this, everyone that. I…I just can’t…I can’t handle this anymore. I’m losing everyone, it’s my fault, and I don’t care. That’s the sad part, I’ve completely stopped caring. Let me lose all my friends, I’ll be better off, I promise.

Nobody.

Nobody.
Nobody helps. Nobody understands.
I don't care if you care. You don't help. 
Nobody helps. 
My parents, my friends, no one. 
Nothing helps.
I'm depressed. I don't wanna be here. I can look at almost everyone I know and say why they help with my depression. 
I just want SOMETHING good to happen this week.
SOMETHING. But no. Nothing helps. Nobody helps.

I Just Don't Know..

I just don't know what to do anymore. 
In some ways, I like not talking to him, because it helps the feelings go away, but then I hate it, because I wish the feelings could stay.
It really doesn't help either when I sit by him for an hour in Theatre and talk to him.. I wish I could have those days back.. But I never will. He likes her now, and I have to live with it.
But on another note, I miss him(a different him).. He said we already tried once, so we can't try again, and my friends say they can make it happen, but I just don't know. What if I get attached? What if it makes things more awkward? What to do, what to do..
And then him. What to do about him.. I don't know. I like him, and he doesn't like me. He hasn't given me a chance, and he probably never will, whether he's given one to everyone else or not. I know I'd be stabbing everyone in the back, but I just can't help it. Why can't I hate him?
I just don't know what to do anymore.

Never.

Why do I feel this way? I said I never would. I promised I never would. 
I feel like I'm going behind everyone's backs and stabbing them in their backs for liking him, but I just.. I can't help it.. I can't.
The feeling gets stronger every day, it sucks. I mean, sure, it feels nice liking someone, and them knowing and being okay with it. But it hurts, knowing they'll never give you a chance.. 
I feel like crying, but I can't be weak. I'm not the kind of girl that guys like.. I'm awkward, weird, and just plain old.. Not their type.
I'm never the girl that guys like..
*sigh*

When?

I act like I'm happy and carefree and perfectly fine. But I'm not.
I miss him, I miss him, and for some reason.. I miss him, too.
Not in any particular order, of course. 
But I don't know what to do.. He said no, he wants her, I'm not his type, etc.
When will I find someone that wants me? A good guy, and a relationship that'll be worth it..
Wish me luck.

Tuesdays Suck.

And the day goes on.. Every Tuesday seems to live up to my expectations.. The same one for the past 2 years. Tuesdays.. They suck. Someway, somehow. Every single week, tuesday sucks. 
We tried to make amends, but I still want revenge. Nothing helps. Including getting rejected. I guess we'll see what happened for real in about 10 minutes.. Hopefully good, at least. 
Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane, but then I realize, I got there a long time ago.
I hope everyone else's day has been better than mine.

Thinking, Wondering, Hoping.

I wonder what'll happen in days to come. With friends, family, relationships, everything. 
I sit here in ROTC wondering what will happen next. How and why will it happen? I have to deal with so much shit now, so how will I know that the next thing to happen, won't just be shittier? I don't.. That's the thing. I never know what'll happen next, why, how, when, and if it'll be worth.
All I can hope is that it's worth it in the end.. Hopefully it will be.
For now, I have nothing else to say. I wish you all good luck in your searches.

It's Just Another Day..

It's just another day, in the life of me. Hopefully better then normal, but there's nothing to expect. Same routine, different day. Get up, get ready, go to school, come home, go to sleep. Same old, same old. I need something new.. Something.. Better. 
Stay tuned.