I Write Because..

I write because I love it.

I write because I have words on my mind that I don't want to forget.

I write to get things off my mind..

I write because it helps myself and sometimes, it helps others.

And I write because I want to.

But lately.. I've just been writing to write.

That's not who I am..

I haven't been writing because I want to.. Not to remember things, either. I haven't been writing to help myself(or others), and I haven't been writing to get things off my mind.

I go my blog, and I feel like writing. So I sit here, and I think so hard, with my fingers poised over the keyboard.. But nothing comes to mind.

And honestly, my writing isn't quality. And I find it basically impossible to write anything "good" without someone (usually my English teacher) telling me what to write about.

But it's how I feel.. It's the things floating around in my mind. The things I think about most. What bothers me, what I have an actual opinion on.

Everyday, and every blog post, is just another day and another post further and further into the life and the mind of myself.. A non average teenager..

I guess that's why I call it that.

A Day In the Life (and Mind) of a Non-Average Teenager.

Sadness.

There comes a time a girls life where, no matter how much a couple people try to help, all the other people putting her down win. Where evil outweighs the good. 

She goes through her whole life, getting called ugly, fat, stupid, a freak, a bitch, a whore, a slut, worthless, a loser, annoying, a dumbass, a brat, etc, etc, etc.. It kinda starts to get to her after a while. And after about 13 years of it, she believes it. 

Sure, she'll joke around with you, agreeing with some small stuff, but after more people start openly calling her stuff, all she can do is fake a smile, force a laugh, and wonder how long they've been saying stuff behind her back. 

After a while, she'll start wanting to hurt herself. And after it keeps happening, she will hurt herself. A couple friends will make her promise to stop, but she doesn't believe in promises, so she does it anyway. She sinks down farther and farther into the deep, dark, black hole that is Depression. And finally, she can describe herself with the one adjective she had hoped she'd never call herself.. Suicidal. She believes everyone will move on without her, everyone would be happier anyway, right? And, sadly, that's when people start to care. Everyone tries to make her happy, everyone that "cares" tries to help. They say everyone would miss her, they don't know what they would do without her here. 

Fast forward to 15. She's never happy. It doesn't matter what happens, who says what, anything. She can never be happy for more than a day. She hurts herself less, and the most recent scars are almost faded to the point where she doesn't have to worry. At this point, she doesn't care. A couple days ago, a person who was supposed to be her best friend of almost 3 years called her a slutty-ass bitch.. Told her she hopes she "fucking dies." She has barely more than 10 friends at her school. She feels worthless. She believes everything everyone says.. At least, all the negative things. Sure, tell her she's pretty and she'll thank you, maybe it'll put a little smile on her face. Tell her she's beautiful and she'll laugh in your face. Her? Beautiful? Yeah, right. She's let more people see her at her weakest point than she wishes she had. More times than not, she wonders if her friends even actually like her.. Sometimes she just feels like a burden. 

That's why she wanted to move during Winter Break.. It's the closest thing to dying, that wouldn't cause an actual "tragedy." At least it'd take the burden off everyone's shoulders here, they wouldn't have to worry about her anymore.. Maybe she could start off fresh, and maybe, just maybe, people would like her there. Maybe things would be different.. But probably not. You don't become more likable just by changing schools. But I guess she'll never know.

Maybe someday she'll be happy.. But not today.

Thanks.

I can't even begin to explain the happiness that yesterday and today have caused me.
Yesterday, I got to hang out with Ben..And that was just amazing.
And now I'm dating him.. Which is even better. <3
I can't even begin to describe how happy I am.
And I have to give most of the thanks, to one person.
Jamie.
She's my best friend, my wifey, my ex girlfriend, my sister, my step daughter, my sanity. She's helped me through SO much.. I don't even know how to make it up to her. She's one of the only things that keep me sane(Even though I think I'm just a bit past the saving point). She's been there since we starting talking in September, and she's been supportive the whole way through. At least.. Supportive about the things she thinks are good for me.
And even though she was doubtful about me and Ben at the beginning, she stuck with me, and got him to actually give me a chance. And she's been through hard times, too. And I haven't been there for her NEARLY enough as I should be, but she loves me anyway. Plus she makes awesome bracelets. So I owe her (And the rest of our circle, Aka, Ben<3, Brittney, Emily, and Jayme. (And out of our circle, Lauren, Liz, Beka, All of my other friends, and all my dumbass exes)), for where I am and who I am today.
And I couldn't be happier. I love you guys. <3

I Am the Opposite.

People tell me, "Just be you." Well.. How am I supposed to be me, if I don't know who I am? That's the part they don't think about. Everyone else has their life more organized than I do, even if it's just a little bit. At least.. Most of the people I know, know who they are. If you tell them, "Just be you." They'll say okay. But me, I don't know how to reply. I don't know how to react, or what to do. I have no idea who I am, other than the fact that my name is Miya Celeste Wright, and I'd rather go by Taya at this point.
I'm surprised I don't do well in Theatre, considering for the past few years, that's all I've been doing.. Acting. I'm not "Me," like I said, I don't even know who "Me" is. I've just been acting like "Miya." Acting like her, dressing like her, talking, thinking, walking, sitting, sleeping, like Her. Not like me. Even one of my friends that I've known my whole life has gone so far to tell me that I'm not myself anymore. I've changed.. I used to be so much juvenile. So much more innocent, sweet, carefree..
I guess that's just what life does to you.. When you have to raise yourself, and when you get bullied, and when you're the complete opposite of society's idea of "normal" and "pretty" and all that bullshit. 
I'm pansexual, and wow, that just blasts me off the charts of unacceptable in some situations, itself. I'm converting to Buddhism, and I don't believe in God. I'm one of those girls who can't fit in a label, I want purple hair, but I like wearing "preppy" clothes sometimes. I'm "not afraid to be myself," AKA, I'm not afraid to be weird as hell in public. I have so many mental disorders, including Multiple Personality Disorder, so it's so hard to actually find out who I really am. 
I thought I was an ROTC girl. I thought I'd love growing my hair out, letting it be natural. I thought I'd love everything about ROTC(mostly), and I'd continue doing it through my senior year. Now it's just kind of.. Eh. I don't like almost any of the classes I picked.. They just don't feel right. Then again, neither does the opposite.
I guess that is who I am then.. A free spirit. I am Miya, and Taya. I'm the girl everyone calls "emo," but I'm also the girl that everyone, well.. Doesn't. I'm the complete and total opposite of how society would like me to be, and I love it. I represent a lot in my life. Freedom, energy, knowing. I guess I'm just.. "That crazy, short girl," or at least.. That's the closest thing it comes to.

What's the Truth?

Why can't you just tell me the truth?

You say you like my to one friend. You tell me that "I owe you" was just an excuse. But to another friend, you can't see us together.

What is it? What's the truth? 

Do you like me or not? Do you actually wanna hang out, or are you just doing it for me? Can I get my hopes up about us.. Or is it just a lost cause?

I'm starting to think it's not worth it.. You said it yourself, you hurt everyone. Why should I think it'll be any different for me?

I just don't know.

Suddenly.

Suddenly.. Everything's different.
I'm not leaving in 3 weeks, I don't wanna be with Levi, I know who my friends are, I'm basically happy, I'm okay with a routine life, and I'm starting to know who I am.
It's weird.. Seeing life like this. It's like.. A whole new perspective. 
I'm not sure how to take it. 
Help?

I just can't..

Sometimes you want to scream at everyone. Sometimes you want to take a risk, date someone nobody ever expected you to. Sometimes you want to die. Sometimes your life turns to shit and you want to run away and go to Brewer and never deal with anyone at GHS ever again in your whole fucking life… Sometimes, that “Sometimes” is today.

I can’t handle it anymore. I can’t stand being around all these people. They all hurt me. I sound like a depressed, dramatic, little bitch, but it’s true. No one helps me anymore. No one tries to. If they really wanted to, they wouldn’t stop “trying” to after I said “Whatever.” If they really wanted to, they’d do everything in their power to make me listen and help myself.

I’m not happy. I’m never happy, not truly happy at least. I always want to cry, and I never want to smile. Yes, you can control some things in your life, but not everything. And sometimes, you lose hope in so much, that you really just stop caring. You stop trying, because there’s nothing that can help. Whenever I am happy, on the off chance, something, something fucking ruins it. I can’t stay happy for more than a couple hours, because it gets ruined, no matter what I do. And I can’t help that.

I can’t do this anymore. Everyone “understands.” Everyone “tries” to help. Everyone this, everyone that. I…I just can’t…I can’t handle this anymore. I’m losing everyone, it’s my fault, and I don’t care. That’s the sad part, I’ve completely stopped caring. Let me lose all my friends, I’ll be better off, I promise.

Nobody.

Nobody.
Nobody helps. Nobody understands.
I don't care if you care. You don't help. 
Nobody helps. 
My parents, my friends, no one. 
Nothing helps.
I'm depressed. I don't wanna be here. I can look at almost everyone I know and say why they help with my depression. 
I just want SOMETHING good to happen this week.
SOMETHING. But no. Nothing helps. Nobody helps.

I Just Don't Know..

I just don't know what to do anymore. 
In some ways, I like not talking to him, because it helps the feelings go away, but then I hate it, because I wish the feelings could stay.
It really doesn't help either when I sit by him for an hour in Theatre and talk to him.. I wish I could have those days back.. But I never will. He likes her now, and I have to live with it.
But on another note, I miss him(a different him).. He said we already tried once, so we can't try again, and my friends say they can make it happen, but I just don't know. What if I get attached? What if it makes things more awkward? What to do, what to do..
And then him. What to do about him.. I don't know. I like him, and he doesn't like me. He hasn't given me a chance, and he probably never will, whether he's given one to everyone else or not. I know I'd be stabbing everyone in the back, but I just can't help it. Why can't I hate him?
I just don't know what to do anymore.

Never.

Why do I feel this way? I said I never would. I promised I never would. 
I feel like I'm going behind everyone's backs and stabbing them in their backs for liking him, but I just.. I can't help it.. I can't.
The feeling gets stronger every day, it sucks. I mean, sure, it feels nice liking someone, and them knowing and being okay with it. But it hurts, knowing they'll never give you a chance.. 
I feel like crying, but I can't be weak. I'm not the kind of girl that guys like.. I'm awkward, weird, and just plain old.. Not their type.
I'm never the girl that guys like..
*sigh*

When?

I act like I'm happy and carefree and perfectly fine. But I'm not.
I miss him, I miss him, and for some reason.. I miss him, too.
Not in any particular order, of course. 
But I don't know what to do.. He said no, he wants her, I'm not his type, etc.
When will I find someone that wants me? A good guy, and a relationship that'll be worth it..
Wish me luck.

Tuesdays Suck.

And the day goes on.. Every Tuesday seems to live up to my expectations.. The same one for the past 2 years. Tuesdays.. They suck. Someway, somehow. Every single week, tuesday sucks. 
We tried to make amends, but I still want revenge. Nothing helps. Including getting rejected. I guess we'll see what happened for real in about 10 minutes.. Hopefully good, at least. 
Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane, but then I realize, I got there a long time ago.
I hope everyone else's day has been better than mine.

Thinking, Wondering, Hoping.

I wonder what'll happen in days to come. With friends, family, relationships, everything. 
I sit here in ROTC wondering what will happen next. How and why will it happen? I have to deal with so much shit now, so how will I know that the next thing to happen, won't just be shittier? I don't.. That's the thing. I never know what'll happen next, why, how, when, and if it'll be worth.
All I can hope is that it's worth it in the end.. Hopefully it will be.
For now, I have nothing else to say. I wish you all good luck in your searches.

It's Just Another Day..

It's just another day, in the life of me. Hopefully better then normal, but there's nothing to expect. Same routine, different day. Get up, get ready, go to school, come home, go to sleep. Same old, same old. I need something new.. Something.. Better. 
Stay tuned.